John 15

John 15
‘I am the vine, you are the branches'

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Bilateral PAO Purgatory

There are some events in life that change you. No matter how you may pick up the pieces, you will never be who you once were. Your outlook on life permanently changes. Looking back, what I thought were some of the hardest moments of my life I now realize were a mere blimp on the "toughen up radar". I hope to look back one day on this journey and also view this as a tiny blimp.

I don't envision my current state of purgatory to be hell with brim stones and fires in a religious aspect, but instead symbolic. My life continues to move, my kids continue to grow, work continues to move along, but some answers to my recovery must wait.  I am levitating in a state of limbo trying to figure out how to live my life as a parent to young kids while managing my symptoms. Some days I fully accept this and have peace and other days I am consumed with anger and great sadness. I can not go back in time and recreate these moments.

The between times between PAO is delicate. My surgeon is giving my LPAO rehab 18 months to heal. I will not know until roughly 18 months post LPAO whether the nerve and muscle damage in my leg is permanent.While I am working to slowly increase strength in my left leg and hip, my right hip is going down hill. My right hip is locking up more frequently, giving out, and feeling like it's going to slide out of place. This in turn puts additional stress on my left leg, which makes the already angry muscles more angry. Keeping the right mindset has been more challenging now than pre surgery or the first 12 weeks post surgery.

Dealing with a bilateral situation takes perseverance. It takes acceptance, but most of all it takes patience. Just a few mornings ago, I casually said to my husband that waiting for the first PAO was blind, idiotic excitement kind of like a first marriage. However, with the 2nd PAO there is more trepidation going into it. I know what to expect, I know what the recovery entails, and I know the emotional roller coaster that goes along with it. I am aware of the potential pain I may be in, I am aware that the muscles in my left leg may go haywire since it is not fully rehabbed yet, I am playing a necessary game of Russian Roulette.

As I write this, I am 2 1/2 weeks from my RPAO and this quote couldn't be more true.

"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one" 

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